Recent Memories

These things I did alone tonight, and remembered when I was not alone.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone

I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.

Groundhog day

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character is inexplicably sentenced to relive one day until he learns his lesson and makes/does things right.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.

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I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.

So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.

Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)

I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.

Lame

Here's my bit of lame for today.

I want to be somebody that somebody can't live without.

Too Fore

Another year has come and passed. Until one of my friends text me and told me happy birthday just now, I had forgotten tomorrow was my birthday.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.

In Jeopardy

I have long conversations on this subject with a couple of friends.
After all of these.
I know my answers.
I know my reasons.
I know my faults.
I know my mistakes.
I know I am a fool.

Now, it has come down to a couple of things.

1. I have to let go.
2. I have to repair the damage done.
3. I have to learn to be content
4. I have to forgive that man. - I thought at one time that I hated my father for leaving my family, but with time and with God's help, I realized that it was only anger and pain causing that. I have moved past that.
But now.
I feel that this jeopardizes my soul.
I can't find a place of sympathy, love, pity, understanding, empathy, or any other benevolent emotion in my heart where I can place him.
I think that this is the only person that I have ever honestly hated, with a black, ugly, painful hate. I can feel it eating away at me, but I can't put it away...

I am praying, and I need more prayer.
I can't hold this against him.
It has to have been God's plan.

Every fiber of my being weeps with the pain and cries out for a different answer.